Unembarrassed

You know that someone truly loves you when you humiliate yourself in their midst, yet they pretend nothing ever happened. Then, later when they've realized you've been dodging their attention (you know, like hiding in the corner as you blush) they tell you they love you. They ask you if there's anything you want to talk about, and they don't accept your coy attempts to avert answering. Once you speak up, they abate your agony with a warm embrace. Innocence restored.

I am thankful.

"I think I get it...do I?"

I am going to write a book on my experience as a CLM. I am sure that during the next two years I will have experienced at least Two-hundred and Fifty-five pages worth of humorous, helpful tips on personal tactics employed in this management position. This book will at least include direct quotes from clients and staff (upon their consent) accompanied by comical doodles composed by myself and Maddie(co-manager).

Hmm, I can envision it now...

Life is 5% what happens and 95% how we react

I plan all day, everyday. It's part of my job and it helps me feel prepared and eases anxiety. I used to hate planning, and I was horrible at following through with anything that wasn't a dire priority. I suppose my procrastination stifled personal feelings of monotony for a time, but at the end of the day I'd always feel guilty for not following through. In the past three weeks I have learned that If I believe what I am doing is for the good of others I tend to follow through. If it is for my own benefit (i.e. getting my hair trimmed) I'll put it off for months. Well, I am snipping off the proverbial frayed ends in my life. I need to find a balance between caring for others and myself simultaneously, because in the past ignoring either one or the other has only caused me trouble.

All this is not to say that I am some selfless, compassionate, angelic giver. I think I am probably selfishly motivated to help others because it makes me feel good. Regardless of the cause of my actions, it is the very choice to act that is crucial to survival. I am learning to speak up for myself and gaining confidence in my decision making.

Reading I Peter 2 reminded me that no matter what I do, if it is good in the eyes of the Father, He is pleased. I am going to excel. I am going to fail. People are going to love AND hate me. I am going to be judged, but God is THE only one who knows the desires of my heart. I pray that they remain pure.

Whatever is it?

Be it love, loneliness, lack of spirit or passion; something is keeping me from sleep tonight.

I am uneasy about this weekend. Will the van work? I fret about the coming weeks. Are classes and work going to be too much for me to manage? I think about my distant future as well. Everyday I wonder if I am really doing the best I can. I question my motives. I am paranoid.

I sometimes think that if I could just find something to be passionate about (other than paid work), all of my worries will subside.

Denying humanity is not an option.

What is Ideal is nevermore real.

Time is ticking...

Worry
must
stop
now

Enough for me?

Your honest inquiry urges me to answer:

Who I am,

Why I am,

How to be.


If I am

all that I

should be.


Let who

You are-

Be enough

for me.

"Hello, ello, ello...is anybody out there?"

So, I've moved in to the anticipated metro apartment, I've got most of my material belongings neatly tucked away in the spacious walk-in closet, I'm typing tonight via the trendy little internet cafe near my apartment. Life is good, but I still have my uncertainties.

I trust that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am meant to do, still I make time to dream of what life would be like if I took more chances. For starters, it'd be nice if I could have joined my amigas who are currently journeying westward on a road trip. Now THAT's life!

So that I am not misunderstood I should share that these next two years are sure to offer up plenty of opportunities to live, grow, and otherwise thrive. However, right now I am in waiting. Not for long though, because tomorrow brings my first day of work with this organization.

Bum-bum-bum, bum-bumblebee hallow!

Senior coffeehouse, very entertaining. I was delightfully surprised at the true talent of some of my peers. The original compositions, dance moves, improv acts, and tributes to mother highlighted the unique creative abilities that sometimes I miss in my own friends and neighbors. I thank God for the beauty of his kingdom, and I thank God for the chance to (every now and then) become blessed with a similar creative spark.

That reminds me, I haven't been sketching or writing often enough. It's part of me that I've missed and intend to cultivate again, lest I lose all ability.

Release the brakes!

Today I did something I never guessed I would in a million years. That's right, I saddled up a horse (or kart if you will) with no engine and no real safety features (besides brakes) to ride down a stretch of bumpy road. Might I add that it was also raining. This is quite the atypical activity for me, because I'll admit I rarely throw caution to the wind. Today, my friends, is a new day.

While I cannot yet say that this is a newfound joy of mine (give me a break I'm a wimp), I should say that there is one very important factor in my decision to 'throw caution to the wind' this time. He is my friend and my love. I don't know if I'd do such a thing for someone I didn't love (especially the part where I woke up at 5am). I should also say that he's a present source of inspiration: to get up in the morning, to keep working towards my goals, and to take time to enjoy life. So, today we did just that. I don't regret making the trip, but I do wish I'd let off the brakes a bit more.

Oh well, maybe next time?!?

;)

"Gather ye rose-buds while ye may..."

Yesterday I was a girl
Blonde and blue, tried and true
I walked hand in hand with my mother
Towards the uncertainty of
Today I am a lady
Yet blonde and blue, donning hope
Cantering amongst the others in this menagerie
Between the reality of today
And what is to be
Tomorrow we shall rise
Grey and weathered, looking backward
Indulged in memories of days past
Soon with my Father
For eternity

We would like to offer you the position...[I am delighted!]

What a relief to hear these words. I can now consider myself employed for the next two years at least. I am blessed to be secure in the capacity that I will have a place to live, people to love, and still many lessons to learn.

However, I remain in a state of disbelief. The progression of events from the CVC Career Fair, where I first learned of such a unique opportunity, to just yesterday morning when I accepted the offer to work for Target Community & Educational Services, Inc. seems to have happened so swiftly.

I remember just a few months ago worrying about the future. I prayed and shared my doubts and anxieties with family and friends. I remember having a conversation with God on one of my walks home from class. He spoke to me, not so much in these words but, telling me specifically that the next six months were going to be challenging but He would be with me to guide and comfort. This was in November, around the time of the election hype. Now, about six months later, I see the truth in that moment of illumination.

Psalm 37:4,7
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass ... Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.

Unbranded

At one point in my life I considered marketing as a career path. My initial attraction to the field stemmed from promises of creatively reinventing outdated concepts and so forth. Branding was what I really wanted to do, and I still seem to have a knack for it at times. But the more I researched and considered the prospect, the more I came to personally associate the word branding with deception. RED ALERT! God was whispering to me...Erin (although there are some Christians in this world strong enough to compete in the realm of marketing without denying me), YOU are not one of them. Okay, so maybe God didn't directly tell me, but He did give me the good sense to know myself well enough. This instinct is right. If I were to pursue a career in Marketing at this point in my life, Satan would snatch me right up. Afterall, he is the great deceiver.

The following contains a selection of information I gathered on the topic at hand:

A brand is a collection of symbols, experiences and associations connected with a product, a service, a person or any other artifact or entity.

Brands have become increasingly important components of culture and the economy, now being described as "cultural accessories and personal philosophies".
The psychological aspect of branding, sometimes referred to as the image, is a symbolic construct created within the minds of people and consists of all the information and expectations associated with a product or service.

Careful brand management, supported by a cleverly crafted advertising campaign, can be highly successful in convincing consumers to pay remarkably high prices for products which are inherently extremely cheap to make. This concept, known as creating value, essentially consists of manipulating the projected image of the product so that that the consumer sees the product as being worth the amount that the advertiser wants him/her to see, rather than a more logical valuation that comprises an aggregate of the cost of raw materials, plus the cost of manufacture, plus the cost of distribution. Modern value-creation branding-and-advertising campaigns are highly successful at inducing consumers to pay, for example, 50 dollars for a T-shirt that cost a mere 50 cents to make, or 5 dollars for a box of breakfast cereal that contains a few cents' worth of wheat.

The brand name is often used interchangeably within "brand", although it is more correctly used to specifically denote written or spoken linguistic elements of any product. In this context a "brand name" constitutes a type of trademark, if the brand name exclusively identifies the brand owner as the commercial source of products or services. A brand owner may seek to protect proprietary rights in relation to a brand name through trademark registration. Advertising spokespersons have also become part of some brands, for example: Mr. Whipple of Charmin toilet tissue and Tony the Tiger of Kellogg's.

The act of associating a product or service with a brand has become part of pop culture. Most products have some kind of brand identity, from common table salt to designer jeans. A brandnomer is a brand name that has colloquially become a generic term for a product or service, such as Band-Aid or Kleenex, which are often used to describe any kind of adhesive bandage or any kind of facial tissue respectively.

GENESIS 3:1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the
LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not
eat from any tree in the garden'?"

Pray w/o Ceasing

I work to promote the Student Impact Fund on campus by contacting Alumni via phone. It's part of my duty as a caller to ask prospects for prayer requests. I don't take this lightly. Recently, with the state of the economy, many have requested prayer concerning recent unemployment and other reasons for fiscal struggle. Other requests, which I find to be equally depressing and even more so shocking, is news of marital strife/divorce. On the other hand, I am excited to hear of new birth to a family, recent job acquisition, or graduation from a masters/doctoral program.

My job is rewarding because I have the chance to empathize and connect with previous students/parents of students. I also have a responsibility as a Christian to be honest when I say that I will lift them up in prayer. But to what extent must I pray? How do I pray? These are questions I have always pondered. The answer the Bible and the church offers is pray without ceasing (I Thes. 5:17). While I find this type of prayer essential, it's never enough for me to rely on small send-ups to God throughout the day. Though I struggle as a student, with an ever-changing schedule, to make a habit of setting aside time each day to truly be alone with God. Usually, I just settle for being alone with myself (afterall, I tend to be introverted).

The reality is, God is waiting me to call on Him. When I neglect Him, I am making a choice that harms our relationship. If God were a human who relied on others, He would be deeply scarred by my rejection. He'd give up after a few days/months/years of our ignorance. Instead, God amazes us with His willingness to forgive/ His grace/ His understanding.

The Bible tells us to pray on all occasions, making our requests known to God (Ephesians 6:18). It tells us never to worry about anything, and to thank God for what He has already provided (Philippians 4:6). Jesus made it a priority to pray. "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Luke 5:16), or He sent the crowds away and “went up on a mountainside by Himself to pray” (Matthew 14:23). We also read that Jesus rose "very early in the morning" and "went off to a solitary place where He prayed" (Mark 1:35).

At home, I didn't have to search for solitude. I found it in my backyard(Middlecreek). Here in Grantham, though a quiet suburb, I am often easily distracted during prayer. My most meaningful times of prayer, however, have occurred on the trails along the Breaches. I am anxious for Spring when I can go for walks with God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Patience(to endure, suffer)the quality or capacity of being patient; to endure something with calmness; the ability to willingly accept or tolerate delay or hardship. (The same root word led to the word 'passion', which is still used in its original sense of 'suffer' when describing the last week of Christ's life.) Its word-field includes long-suffering, forbearance, restraint, perseverance.

Galatians 5:22 defines patience for those who are filled with the spirit. I'm often overconfident in my 'patience performance'. But being in a long distance relationship has really begun to open my eyes to my own shortcomings in this area. It's been only two weeks since I have last seen him, yet I am quick to pine and complain. It's difficult for me to fathom what it might be like to physically lose a loved one to illness or some other form of tragedy.

The Greek term in Galatians 5:22 is (makrothumia) "long, distant in time or large-view + (thumos)passion, rage, the "emotions" of suffering, with a usual meaning of having an enduring/calm temper.

While I may appear to friends and acquaintances as placid in mind and action, in actuality, these days I am more solicitous than ever. There is no personal doubt that other factors(such as the fast approaching graduation date, career/grad school searching, and the current state of the nation) are contributing to this anxiety. My desire for not only myself, but for all Christians alike, is to trust the Lord.

Colossians 1:9-12
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Disease and suffering can bring families together, but they can also tear them apart. This is often the fortune/misfortune for those whose problems are largely the result of their own choices, especially if they have gone against what the family would condone. 

In the Bible, David's family was troubled by the choices he'd made. Psalms 38:11-12NIV reads, "My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds" my neighbors stay far away. Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day they plot deception". David also struggled in his heart, "I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart" states Psalms 38:8NIV. 

He also had difficulties expressing his true feelings with others, "I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply" David says in Psalms 38:13-14. This is where I am at personally. I do not struggle with exactly the same afflictions as David, but similarly in my past I have made poor choices that deeply tarnished my relationship with certain family members. Even after attending family counseling there remains a distance. I have been abandoned, and I also have chosen to abandon others. 

As David did, I beg of the Lord, "do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. For your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me...My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear...I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God...I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin...O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior" (Psalm 38NIV). 

This psalm restores my faith that God sees and hears me, even when my efforts are too weak to reach those I've harmed. There is hope in the Lord for both the suffering and those touched by the lives of the suffering. Because of God's grace, we can be victors rather than victims. 

(this post is in honor of NEDA week)

They'll Find a Way

Post-Industry post-haste
Bring it down with one fell swoop
Strip the town of dignity
"They'll find a way"

Erect malls without warrant
Sordid politicians take the reins
Pride and loyalty perplex
Those trends missed
this crowd

The 'haves'
Up on that hill
Snidey pride
Trust
them
'not'

"Head Over Feet"

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Once an Iris but Nevermore

At age ten I played a role the Schaefferstown Elementary school play 'Alice in Wonderland'. Iris. Just a small part, a pitiful one liner. I recall employing the most sardonic laughter a young girl could muster. My social nemesis claimed the lead role, which was only expected by any and all of my classmates. We had the same name, but that was about all we had in common. She had wealth, beauty, charisma. This Erin was not so fortunate. Growing up in a single parent/single bedroom apartment, I learned to find luxury in simplicity. A stout preteen with glasses and braces, I was often the subject of jokes on the school bus and in class. Concerning charisma... I was too caught up in passive-aggressive fantasies to find worth in friendships.

Finally, justice. I got to do the mocking. Sticking my nose in the air, my response to Alice was something like, "Puh-thetic"! I remember the applause I received from my teacher at my execution of that one word. How ironic that the term I would use to degrade my enemy would actually resemble the lens through which I often viewed myself.

When retrospecting I often view my life as a tragedy. Though, in the process of life it often helpful to combat pain with humor, so it may seem a comedy. Success and enlightenment occur when the two poetic elements(tragedy and comedy) are in balance.

By definition and Iris is a plant with sword-shaped leaves and erect stalks bearing bright-colored flowers composed of three petals and three drooping sepals. Such bold character, contrasting that of the young girl that ask to mimic its likeness. But I had to fake it. Today, I am more like the actual flower than I was as a fifth-grader. Through meaningful relationships with friends, family and God I find courage. What a relief to not have to pretend to fit into that uncomfortable blueish-purple cardboard cutout costume anymore. I was once an Iris...but nevermore.