cry-freedom-cry

I am sick of having to constantly defend myself to people, whether it be caused by my own error or because we all seem to have this guilty until proven innocent philosophy to life. Even so, I know that my burden doesn't even begin to approach the emotional weight that so many other people must experience. People rarely have to defend themselves to the people who really know and love them. This is comforting, but that gift of trust also comes with the responsibility of following through and proving ourselves trustworthy.

Since I'm far from perfect, there have been many people I've hurt and some relationships that have fizzled throughout the years. But those mistakes are in the past now. The current tear inducing, gut churning, soul killing issue on my mind is justice. Why is it that when we deliver the truth, the people who don't know us want to believe a lie. Why is that? How can we live together in a way that promotes justice? Isn't justice a right?

How to Hang Ten

I have to be honest with myself and everyone else. I have really no clue where I am going in life. I have no clear post-grad plans, and I am not as positive that I made the right choice in pursuing a Masters degree immediately after undergrad. I chose what I felt was my best opportunity at the time, but I now feel like I should have paused to do more preparation and searching before diving right in. All of this doubt is putting a damper on my perspective and actions in other areas of my life as well, and that's not fair to myself, my friends or my family.

For several years now I feel like I've lost touch of part of myself, the part that is free-spirited, creative and warm-hearted. It seems to me like I've traded those attributes in for responsibility and the civility. Right now I am thinking that's a pretty crappy trade. While I don't altogether regret this creeping transformation, I desperately want to regain what I seem to have temporarily (at least I hope) lost. For the time being, I guess I'm just riding out this wave to see if I can make it to shore in one piece. But when...if I do make it, I think I need to recoup before jumping on the next big wave.

In 'the corner'

Being an adult isn't so great after all. When I was a kid I can remember wanting to be good, to gain approval from my parents and other adult figures in my life. It wasn't that difficult really, especially since I could count on affirmation for being a 'good girl' or punishment of some sort when I screwed up. I never really anticipated that becoming the judge of my own character would be such a burden.

In grown up land, we can't depend on mom or dad telling us to go to the corner. Rather, after adults do something stupid we sit in the corner of guilt and shame. But this corner doesn't always end after 5 minutes, it can last forever if we let it. It has been my preference (not as if I enjoy it, but it's the dreaded emotion that creeps up every time I go against my best judgement) to retreat to this proverbial 'guilt' corner since I was a child. Not that I don't ever want to feel guilty, because that very feeling tells me that I still have a moral pulse.

To find the proper ways to cope with those feelings-ah, that's is the rub. At times I might try to allay my ill feelings by expressing them artistically, tending to write poems or sketch. But rarely do choose I speak my true feelings to anyone...other than God. I guess that's not wise either, since relationships are strengthened through communication and based on trust.

I think that we may safely trust a good deal more than we do.
~Henry David Thoreau

2.0 in 2010

As I approach year two of my relationship with him I cannot really say that I know much more about love, but I have been learning about trust. Time spent with him is treasured deeply because nearly each time we are together I realize how much I need other people in my life for guidance and support. He is one of those treasured people in my life who decided to take time out of his life to ensure that I am happy, fulfilled, and healthy. It may be strange and unwise, but I am not always willing to let people love me in these ways and I often reject guidance and support. I turn them down for fear that I am giving in, that I am weak, and sometimes because I believe I don't have time for it...for them.

For him I fell, I want to be weak, and most times I feel there's not enough time in the world to dedicate to our relationship. I hope and pray for many more years of learning to receive and give love. I pray in the days to come that he sees evidence of my love for him.