In 'the corner'

Being an adult isn't so great after all. When I was a kid I can remember wanting to be good, to gain approval from my parents and other adult figures in my life. It wasn't that difficult really, especially since I could count on affirmation for being a 'good girl' or punishment of some sort when I screwed up. I never really anticipated that becoming the judge of my own character would be such a burden.

In grown up land, we can't depend on mom or dad telling us to go to the corner. Rather, after adults do something stupid we sit in the corner of guilt and shame. But this corner doesn't always end after 5 minutes, it can last forever if we let it. It has been my preference (not as if I enjoy it, but it's the dreaded emotion that creeps up every time I go against my best judgement) to retreat to this proverbial 'guilt' corner since I was a child. Not that I don't ever want to feel guilty, because that very feeling tells me that I still have a moral pulse.

To find the proper ways to cope with those feelings-ah, that's is the rub. At times I might try to allay my ill feelings by expressing them artistically, tending to write poems or sketch. But rarely do choose I speak my true feelings to anyone...other than God. I guess that's not wise either, since relationships are strengthened through communication and based on trust.

I think that we may safely trust a good deal more than we do.
~Henry David Thoreau

2.0 in 2010

As I approach year two of my relationship with him I cannot really say that I know much more about love, but I have been learning about trust. Time spent with him is treasured deeply because nearly each time we are together I realize how much I need other people in my life for guidance and support. He is one of those treasured people in my life who decided to take time out of his life to ensure that I am happy, fulfilled, and healthy. It may be strange and unwise, but I am not always willing to let people love me in these ways and I often reject guidance and support. I turn them down for fear that I am giving in, that I am weak, and sometimes because I believe I don't have time for it...for them.

For him I fell, I want to be weak, and most times I feel there's not enough time in the world to dedicate to our relationship. I hope and pray for many more years of learning to receive and give love. I pray in the days to come that he sees evidence of my love for him.

Unembarrassed

You know that someone truly loves you when you humiliate yourself in their midst, yet they pretend nothing ever happened. Then, later when they've realized you've been dodging their attention (you know, like hiding in the corner as you blush) they tell you they love you. They ask you if there's anything you want to talk about, and they don't accept your coy attempts to avert answering. Once you speak up, they abate your agony with a warm embrace. Innocence restored.

I am thankful.

"I think I get it...do I?"

I am going to write a book on my experience as a CLM. I am sure that during the next two years I will have experienced at least Two-hundred and Fifty-five pages worth of humorous, helpful tips on personal tactics employed in this management position. This book will at least include direct quotes from clients and staff (upon their consent) accompanied by comical doodles composed by myself and Maddie(co-manager).

Hmm, I can envision it now...

Life is 5% what happens and 95% how we react

I plan all day, everyday. It's part of my job and it helps me feel prepared and eases anxiety. I used to hate planning, and I was horrible at following through with anything that wasn't a dire priority. I suppose my procrastination stifled personal feelings of monotony for a time, but at the end of the day I'd always feel guilty for not following through. In the past three weeks I have learned that If I believe what I am doing is for the good of others I tend to follow through. If it is for my own benefit (i.e. getting my hair trimmed) I'll put it off for months. Well, I am snipping off the proverbial frayed ends in my life. I need to find a balance between caring for others and myself simultaneously, because in the past ignoring either one or the other has only caused me trouble.

All this is not to say that I am some selfless, compassionate, angelic giver. I think I am probably selfishly motivated to help others because it makes me feel good. Regardless of the cause of my actions, it is the very choice to act that is crucial to survival. I am learning to speak up for myself and gaining confidence in my decision making.

Reading I Peter 2 reminded me that no matter what I do, if it is good in the eyes of the Father, He is pleased. I am going to excel. I am going to fail. People are going to love AND hate me. I am going to be judged, but God is THE only one who knows the desires of my heart. I pray that they remain pure.

Whatever is it?

Be it love, loneliness, lack of spirit or passion; something is keeping me from sleep tonight.

I am uneasy about this weekend. Will the van work? I fret about the coming weeks. Are classes and work going to be too much for me to manage? I think about my distant future as well. Everyday I wonder if I am really doing the best I can. I question my motives. I am paranoid.

I sometimes think that if I could just find something to be passionate about (other than paid work), all of my worries will subside.

Denying humanity is not an option.

What is Ideal is nevermore real.

Time is ticking...

Worry
must
stop
now

Enough for me?

Your honest inquiry urges me to answer:

Who I am,

Why I am,

How to be.


If I am

all that I

should be.


Let who

You are-

Be enough

for me.