Unembarrassed

You know that someone truly loves you when you humiliate yourself in their midst, yet they pretend nothing ever happened. Then, later when they've realized you've been dodging their attention (you know, like hiding in the corner as you blush) they tell you they love you. They ask you if there's anything you want to talk about, and they don't accept your coy attempts to avert answering. Once you speak up, they abate your agony with a warm embrace. Innocence restored.

I am thankful.

"I think I get it...do I?"

I am going to write a book on my experience as a CLM. I am sure that during the next two years I will have experienced at least Two-hundred and Fifty-five pages worth of humorous, helpful tips on personal tactics employed in this management position. This book will at least include direct quotes from clients and staff (upon their consent) accompanied by comical doodles composed by myself and Maddie(co-manager).

Hmm, I can envision it now...

Life is 5% what happens and 95% how we react

I plan all day, everyday. It's part of my job and it helps me feel prepared and eases anxiety. I used to hate planning, and I was horrible at following through with anything that wasn't a dire priority. I suppose my procrastination stifled personal feelings of monotony for a time, but at the end of the day I'd always feel guilty for not following through. In the past three weeks I have learned that If I believe what I am doing is for the good of others I tend to follow through. If it is for my own benefit (i.e. getting my hair trimmed) I'll put it off for months. Well, I am snipping off the proverbial frayed ends in my life. I need to find a balance between caring for others and myself simultaneously, because in the past ignoring either one or the other has only caused me trouble.

All this is not to say that I am some selfless, compassionate, angelic giver. I think I am probably selfishly motivated to help others because it makes me feel good. Regardless of the cause of my actions, it is the very choice to act that is crucial to survival. I am learning to speak up for myself and gaining confidence in my decision making.

Reading I Peter 2 reminded me that no matter what I do, if it is good in the eyes of the Father, He is pleased. I am going to excel. I am going to fail. People are going to love AND hate me. I am going to be judged, but God is THE only one who knows the desires of my heart. I pray that they remain pure.

Whatever is it?

Be it love, loneliness, lack of spirit or passion; something is keeping me from sleep tonight.

I am uneasy about this weekend. Will the van work? I fret about the coming weeks. Are classes and work going to be too much for me to manage? I think about my distant future as well. Everyday I wonder if I am really doing the best I can. I question my motives. I am paranoid.

I sometimes think that if I could just find something to be passionate about (other than paid work), all of my worries will subside.

Denying humanity is not an option.

What is Ideal is nevermore real.

Time is ticking...

Worry
must
stop
now

Enough for me?

Your honest inquiry urges me to answer:

Who I am,

Why I am,

How to be.


If I am

all that I

should be.


Let who

You are-

Be enough

for me.

"Hello, ello, ello...is anybody out there?"

So, I've moved in to the anticipated metro apartment, I've got most of my material belongings neatly tucked away in the spacious walk-in closet, I'm typing tonight via the trendy little internet cafe near my apartment. Life is good, but I still have my uncertainties.

I trust that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am meant to do, still I make time to dream of what life would be like if I took more chances. For starters, it'd be nice if I could have joined my amigas who are currently journeying westward on a road trip. Now THAT's life!

So that I am not misunderstood I should share that these next two years are sure to offer up plenty of opportunities to live, grow, and otherwise thrive. However, right now I am in waiting. Not for long though, because tomorrow brings my first day of work with this organization.

Bum-bum-bum, bum-bumblebee hallow!

Senior coffeehouse, very entertaining. I was delightfully surprised at the true talent of some of my peers. The original compositions, dance moves, improv acts, and tributes to mother highlighted the unique creative abilities that sometimes I miss in my own friends and neighbors. I thank God for the beauty of his kingdom, and I thank God for the chance to (every now and then) become blessed with a similar creative spark.

That reminds me, I haven't been sketching or writing often enough. It's part of me that I've missed and intend to cultivate again, lest I lose all ability.